Seeing What is There

I've always hated it when I find I've convinced myself to believe something that isn't true.

If you're determined enough to find or believe something you will. Not because it's actually there but because it's the only thing you're willing to find. Scientists have discovered that what we look for eventually becomes all we can see, because the neuron groups in our brains strengthen or weaken in the response to the things we pay attention to.
 
Over time we create blind spots.

My tendency, because of this, is to overcompensate by being extremely skeptical of everything I'd like to think.  Which is why I spent two weeks telling myself that I have always found the smell of Asian food to be nauseating until Andrew finally chased me into the bathroom and told me to take a pregnancy test.

[haha, I bet you thought this post was going to be intellectual.]

I'm a pretty chill person; even as a toddler, when my brothers set our porch on fire I picked up the dog's water bowl and put it out.

But a pregnancy test...

...my hands were definitely shaking a little.

Three minutes.

It was probably going to be false anyway.

I'd put my make-up on while I waited, three minutes was enough time.

My timer buzzed and I flipped the test over.

One line.

...

Wait.

It was faint. It was possible my vision was being weird.

Slow blink.

Look away. Look back.

Still there. Definitely there.

There was still one way to make sure.

I schooled my expression into a neutral one and walked out of the bathroom.

Reading a pregnancy test is not something that men educate themselves in.

Andrew stared at it for several long seconds double checking his interpretation.

"So you're pregnant...?"

There was a part of me that still didn't believe it. I had to wait three weeks for my first prenatal and even while sitting in the waiting room I was convinced that when I went in and they'd tell me I wasn't pregnant and send me home. When the baby showed up on the sonogram I pulled the biggest cliché and nearly cried (it was totally just because of hormones).

It's been a pretty chill pregnancy so far. Working in a prenatal clinic and studying midwifery has given me a nice head start on what to expect. And I inherited my mother's even hormones, so while the nausea was there it wasn't debilitating; a great kindness during the holiday season.

I have been disappointed by the fact that I never got the overwhelming craving for chocolate croissants that I was hoping for. In fact, not really any cravings at all. So lame.
 
But none of that really matters, what matters is that we're having a baby. I still can't believe it sometimes.