Friday, November 15, 2013

Him, Me, or Us?

Probably the most surprising part of getting married is how thoroughly you lose all credibility. One day you're an established member of society and then you come back from your honeymoon and suddenly everything you say is naive. 

It's not that I don't understand it, I do; I wouldn't listen to my opinion on marriage either. It's just that I miss giving my unsolicited opinion to people. Monologuing is my specialty and I suddenly find myself limited to lively discourse regarding the weather. Air an opinion about anything else and I'm on the receiving end of an arched eyebrow and, "Oh, just wait until you've been married for a year/two years/ten years/thirty years/have seventeen children/watch your house burn down/live through a hurricane/surf down a volcano on the back of a shark while in labor..."

Bottom line, until I have been "happily" married for a hundred years, lost multiple children and all earthly possessions, there is no way I will ever be as credible as someone else.  This is very hard for me to accept.

It's especially hard right now because, for whatever reason, there are a lot of marriage articles being posted on facebook. In particular the article entitled, "Marriage Isn't For You" and I don't agree with it at all. It's not the worst article ever, it simply doesn't merit the attention it's receiving. I find this particularly annoying because at six months of marriage I'm not technically qualified to disagree, but that's not going to stop me.

The "Marriage Isn't for you" article is well intentioned; I think everyone is tired of the sentimental claptrap that marriage is a lifelong cozy affair of constant chemistry and perfect compatibility. Seth Smith, the article's author, believes that marriage doesn't last when it's entered with the mindset of taking, that it is better to take a JFK approach and, "ask not what [marriage] can do for you, ask what you can do for your [marriage]."

However, both Smith and his father have flung themselves to the ditch on the other side of the road with their belief that "a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It's about the person you love--their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, "What's in it for me?" while Love asks, "What can I give?". . . marriage isn't for you. You don't marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. . . Marriage isn't for you. It's not about you. Marriage is about the person you married."

The idea almost sounds right, after all "selflessness" has been practically tattooed across the surface of most Christians' brains; but the extremism of this self-sacrificing marriage model is actually just another form of pride and selfishness, it's deluding yourself with the idea that a marriage can thrive on the merit of your self-sacrifice. As Tim Keller puts it in The Meaning of Marriage, "The Christian teaching does not offer a choice between fulfillment and sacrifice but rather mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice. Jesus gave himself up; he died to himself to save us and make us his."  Sharon Greenthal observes, "Marrying is deciding that the two of you, together, are more important than either of you alone."

If my husband thought that constantly denying and ignoring himself would make me happy I would probably smack him (out of love, of course). I would also be incredibly hurt, because his actions would deny me the ability to fully express my love to him by understanding his heart. It's our marriage; it's not supposed to be all about me or all about him. It's about us. There will be times when I am the needy one and times when that will be him. But that is part of the give and take. His happiness is my happiness, my happiness is his. If you want a one-sided relationship, buy a cat.

In all honesty, I don't think Seth Smith meant what he actually said, I think he was trying to combat the idea that marriage is about self-fulfillment, but in his zeal he allowed his phrasing to overstep his intent. But his intent isn't what people are reading, and what he wrote, simply put, is wrong.

2 comments:

  1. Sarah, I appreciate reading your thoughts about Seth Smith's article, and I've given yours some thought. I know we both agree marriage isn't for purely selfish pursuits, but do you have scripture to back up the belief you've laid out in this post? How do you respond, with regard to marriage, to Philippians 2:3 where we are instructed to “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than [ourselves].” The right outlook and aim in marriage, I believe, is for each spouse to submit to each others' role in the marriage (God clearly tells us what these rolls are), and work together to create an environment for each other to flourish. We should trust our spouse will provide what we need from him/her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would refer to Ephesians 5:22-33 in which Paul lays out the parallels of marriage with the relationship of Christ toward the church, which is the passage Tim Keller is referencing in the quote I included.

      Delete